My Bittersweet moment with Breastfeeding

*Wordy*

   Ive been feeling disoriented recently, almost seems like I’ve lost my ‘breast’ friend.

A little reluctant yet relief, I’ve quit expressing milk.

 Without the regiment of breast pumping, suddenly it seems like I’ve plentiful of time on hand.

I still remember the beginnings of my breast feeding journey; I was ‘working’ full throttle like a farming cow, latching and pumping every 2 hourly(8x in 24h) for the first few weeks. I had suffered multiples of engorgement, solid rock hard boobies for crying out loud, the pain was unimaginable. Have you seen the busty women who’s able to destroy melons with her boobs? Well, even when I’m nowhere near her size, trust me those engorged boobs are very real. If killing someone was legal back then, my assets could have knock a few out. literally.
DSC00034
Latching on day and night.

Then I hung on to the 3-4 hourly (6x in 24h) routine for a while, still facing engorgement but I gritted my teeth and let it pass.
I remembered, during my 4th month postpartum was the hardest, Ry had her first major sickness.
One day she suddenly got really sick and started throwing up after every feed, but we yet to face the worse because an onset bouts of 8-10 diarrhea came the next day. I lost count of the times we needed to change her and her bed covers every time it was stained with poop and vomit.

At 4 months, the medication you can give to a child was pretty bounded plus it was a viral infection, thus with limited capacity we can only wait and let it pass :(
She couldn’t stomach her usual intake for the first few days, so my hub and I had to feed her really small amounts like 50ml every hour, round the clock. We even had to get helped from my mum to camp over one night because we were beyond exhaustion with little or no sleep.
Then the partners in crime (fever, cough, runny nose) came hand in hand, it was a tough 2 weeks but we managed pull through as first time parents.

IMG_4430
toughest 2 weeks.

Before that I was still going strong with my Middle Of The Night pump (MOTN) but the second I’m needed to look after a sick infant, Ive lost my momentum and missed a few rounds of pumping sessions. Having said that, not because I’m low in supply, in fact my assets were brimming with milk so much that if I don’t express them, they will be caught in a major jam causing block ducts. I cannot leave the block ducts in there because it will solidify and eventually result in mastitis.
IMG_0881
Late night pumping

Just imagine that very uncomfortable feeling of engorged boobs with localize pain (kinda like blue black) when block ducts occur. As it escalated, the mastitis came.
I had 2 rounds of mastitis (the level up of block ducts) before where there will be a lump at the affected area that is red and tender to the touch.
Is really Muther Fucking painful and yet I still had to apply pressure to that area to unblock the ducts and get the milk flowing. There are times I really cannot get rid of the lump I had to send in the ‘massage lady’ (my last resort).
When she shows up at my door, she will spare no mercy to pin me down and knead that area like a dough.
IMG_5274
Protruding veins, the result of block Ducts (right breast)

I.ALWAYS.NEVER.FAIL.TO.SCREAM.AND.CRY.BECAUSE.IT.HURTS.SO.MUCH.
I’m needed to stay put while shes ‘working’ on my breast but is so agonizing! So I channel all the pain to other parts of my body by twisting my hands and my feet into an awkward position, o.m.g that was the only time I feel I’m better than a contortionist.
What an irony, torture chamber in the comfort of my own home, lol.

I’m sorry if I made her sound sadistic but despite the pain, this aunty is actually very encouraging.
Everytime she visit (since the first), she will tell me not to give up Bf-ing, hang in there and pump diligently.
I almost gave up because the 3rd day my boobs were so engorged, fulled of milk but nothing comes out. (I will share a little more about how I get my Breastmilk going in a different post.) Thanks to her and my perseverance, Ryleigh get to enjoy a good 13 months of breastmilk.
Let me know if you wished to obtain her contact.

Luckily after the ordeal, I caught up with my milk supply and managed to form a truckload of stash. Yes, I literally had to get a 2nd hand deep freezer just to store my milk and by far I’ve donated 20,000ml worth of breastmilk for my friend’s daughter.
Is good to know that my breastmilk goes to a good ‘home’ because for me using it for milk spa is a little too wasteful (I only did it once because my mum accidentally off my deep freezer and around 20 packs were thaw, which is deemed no good to feed baby.)
IMG_3021
A portion of my stash, waiting to transport to the deep freezer which I bought and placed at my mum’s place.

When my milk started to regulate I was pumping at every 5 hour interval (4x in24h), by then my life started to get back on track and soon after I started reducing to pumping 3 times a day, then 2, then once a day.

For a year my life was revolving about expressing milk, the pump had became my breast friend.
IMG_2562
Pump while driving.

It was hard to let go but I knew one day things have to end somehow and I have to say even though I’m sad about parting this breastfeeding journey in providing Ry the best I’m glad to know the night(pumping) moments are long over and I’m no longer ‘hook’ up to this breast friend.
DSC01764The last of my few pumps

So long breastmilk~

Goodbye.

6 Comments

  • newmom

    hi, can u share what lactating pills u took for bm? i have just gave birth to a baby girl in sep.. but my bm supply is still low.. need more help.. if u can share the pills u took.. thanks

    • Dblchin

      Hi newmom! I’m taking fenugreek , you can try lactation cookies as well!
      Remember to increase supply, pump regularly, religiously and don’t ever give up!
      Also Being positive helps a lot!

  • Michelle

    You reminded me of my breastfeeding journey as well. Even though it hurts a lot, it was a very great experience knowing that we provide the best food for our baby, also for the bond we have for them, so I know how it also feels like saying goodbye to breast milk.

    • Dblchin

      I’m glad I get the chance to breastfeed my child for a good 13 months, on one hand it was a painful goodbye on the other I feel so relieve this is finally coming to an end. Gosh, all that emotional attachment.
      Now that I look back, I’m pretty impressed with my own ability exceeding the human limits, how did I survived with so little sleep?
      I guess that’s motherhood.

Leave a Reply